SPIDER BREAKS HIS THINGY DURING SEX

Over my coffee this morning, I was faced with a story about spider sex. Biologists have long known that the female spider kills the male spider after sex.

Somehow this always made perfect sense to me but then my sense of humor is a little twisted sometimes.

Now it's been discovered that the male breaks off his thingy inside the female to accomplish several things. It keeps injecting sperm into her assuring paternity and it acts as a "plug" to keep another male from getting to her.

I think this explains why she kills him. You go girl!

I have a can of RAID house and garden spray that would settle that whole dispute. Just please, someone tell me this important study wasn't funded by a government grant….

That brings to mind a story in a local newspaper a couple of years ago.

A woman in her 70s shot and killed her husband. When police arrived, they found her sitting in the bathroom on the toilet. Naturally they asked her why she had shot him.

"He said he wanted to have sex and I knew it was either him or me!" she explained.

Made sense to me, and I still laugh every time I think about it.

If you think about how strange all of this is, just google the sex life of an earthworm. And it was done on a government grant.

I was terribly naive as a kid. When I'd ask a question, I wouldn't get a straight answer. When I asked how babies got in mommy's tummy, the answer from my mother was "Don't worry about it. Someday you'll understand." What kind of an answer was that, for pete's sake! I was 14 years old at the time.

When I was finally told how it happened, I thought she was lying to me. I remember thinking "Even I'm not stupid enough to believe that."

As the old saying goes, "I got too soon old and too late smart."

Nothing funny? Twist it, sister!

Why in the world would anyone commit to blogging? In my case, I've always worked in high adrenaline-producing jobs. Oh yeah, law enforcement, private investigation, busting pedophiles.

So what's changed? Now I'm sitting home, talking to my ex-husband. That's correct. My EX-husband has frontal lobe variant altzerheimer's disease.Well wouldn't you just know....the infamous Murphy, of Murphy's law, couldn't just slap my ex-husband with one type of dementia. Noooo! He had to get two types. Kinda like a horse race to see which one crosses the finish line first.

Reader's will now conclude that I'm a hard-hearted bitch. Not true. Not completely anyway. I'm not hard-hearted. I'm just in a situation where I'm talking to myself all day with no feedback. I talk to my computer screen, which does respond periodically with "DING, DING, DING". That does funny things to a person.

I learned a number of years ago when I was writing a couple of newspaper columns, the more tired I became, the more twisted my sense of humor became. I'd write those columns when I was exhausted. I did it mostly to amuse myself. I'd sit and write, laughing so hard at myself I would almost fall out of the chair. 

Almost any situation has a funny side if you twist it just right. Since I'm going to have to live life on life's terms, I'm going to walk through it laughing.  If I can make some of you laugh, that's even better. Dry wit, sarcasm, and twisted humor is offensive to some people. And sometimes, if you get carried away, it is offensive to everyone. Too bad. If it saves my sanity and keeps my blood pressure down to a reasonable level it's here to stay. 

I have no intention of writing a depressing disease blog. I will write about whatever is currently floating my boat. Scared of controversy? Not me. So I make no promises except I will try to keep you laughing. Unless I share recipes, then you're not to laugh.

So if life has you in a situation that's trying to beat you down, look for the funny side. Just twist it sister!